A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
This raises questions
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”