I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions