a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
the three branches of government
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
#dnd #ttrpg
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
peeping toms
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”