Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.