Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.