The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
You Might Also Like
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉