I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You Might Also Like
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Discuss
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets