Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.