Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.