*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.