The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose