When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Those are good neighbors.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream