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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️