Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
don’t we all
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.