If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Bro what is this
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.