Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.