[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
You Might Also Like
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
That’s it.I’m out.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Good morning.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE