coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.