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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Well, this explains it:
kitchen magnet
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.