A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
You Might Also Like
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat