Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
It be like that sometimes 😆
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]