The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
…u ok Nintendo?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!