Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.