5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
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Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
How to draw a duck
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Mhm.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.