(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.