imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.