Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
This meal prepping shit easy
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: