If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.