when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
never forget
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples