I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
✌🏽
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Dammit Chief not again
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house