I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Cake safety first. Always.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR