Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman