Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
From my Mom
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide