Noah
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀