Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place