Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*orders delivery*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.