5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Poetry is my passion
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.