Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids