[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
dream blunt rotation
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load