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When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*exercises sarcastically*
Every work call, he judges.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look