Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The three genders.
live, laugh, laundry.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup