[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
You Might Also Like
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”