The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.