My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one