Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD