Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.