HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”