[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
consequences, the bane of my existence
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
i was baptized in a car wash
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email