ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour鈥檚 flower bed
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they鈥檙e Christmas presents for him and he doesn鈥檛 ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
911: what鈥檚 your emergency
Me: I can鈥檛 find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that鈥檚 how I lost it
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love鈥檚 gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Morning my dudes.
got banned from Trader Joe鈥檚 for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
What鈥檚 the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you鈥檙e not a house to be trifled with?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no