He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*